I Looked Back
by Crimson Beauty911
Summary: She disobeyed his word. She didn't get to admit what she felt. She didn't know what she felt, at least not then. She looked back, and now she can't forget him. Now she's going back. &The quest of a girl who didn't quite grow up
1. Prologue

**I Looked Back**

**A Spirited Away story**

**Crazy without you**

**Prologue**

_

Haku. I'm coming back. I have to. No one understands me here! Everybody says I'm crazy. They just won't believe the wonders of the spirit world! They don't believe anything I say. My parents are locking me away for telling the truth. So that's why I'm coming back. I'm older, I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I understand so much more now. I can't do this anymore! I can remember everything now...everything but my name. Everyone tells me it's 'Chihiro' but I swear it's Sen! I know it is! Things are just too crazy here. I don't know my parents, my friends, my peers anymore. Even my boyfriend is turning against me. I don't know anything anymore. All I know is that...I looked back, Haku. And now I can't forget you.

_


	2. My Name Is Sen

**Chapter 1**

Alabaster hands wrung over the black leather of the steering wheel. Wringing, wringing, until her hands were raw and throbbing. The small, messy bun she had thrown her long mahogany hair into tossed restlessy on the top of her head as she wiggled about. Her shoulder blades worked furiously at the back of the leather care seat, her feet pounding nervously on the gas pedal. Her sense of speed had melted away from her, sending her forward deadly fast. But she refused to stop, even after the wail of sirens screeched behind her. Her teeth grit rapidly, brown eyes casting from the road ahead of her to the empty passenger seat her jet black cell phone rested in. She knew it would ring any second now.

Still, when the shrill scream of the phone let out, she jumped in her seat. Her heart pounded heavily against her ribs as she thrust out a hand, knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel so deathly hard, grabbing her phone in one shaking swipe. She slammed it against the side of her face, full lips, drenched in a rushed coat of red lipstick, quivering as she spoke out a sharp and rushed "H'lo?"

"What do you think you're doing! You took my car when you can't even drive yet! Come home, Chihiro!" The shaking and raspy from crying voice of her mother echoed through the receiver. The girl's teeth grit harder and faster as the white returned to her knuckles from gripping the phone. She groaned in frustration.

"_Sen_! It's _Sen_! My name is _Sen_! And I can drive, _mom_! I'm fifteen, I have my permit!" She retorted, forcing down the horrible urge to jam her thumb down on the 'end' button on her phone. That's it. She wanted to end this. All of it. She was tired of being pushed around, locked behind tall, metal doors. She was tired of receiving wide eyes stares from across the room whenever she opened her mouth to speak.

"Chihiro! Stop this and come home! We can help you!"

"I'm not crazy, mother!"

"Chihiro!"

"My name is Sen!"

She couldn't take it any longer. Her finger mashed, harshly, on the 'end' button. She listened, pleasantly, as her mother's voice drowned out from her buzzing ears. She hated her mother, father, everyone around her. Even Sachi was starting to look at her weird, with that horrible 'you're a freak' look that she had come to know so well and hate with all her heart.

Even before she could lower the phone from her ear, it's shrill shriek pierced through her eardrum once more. She hurridly picked up the called with another "H'lo?".

"Chi, what are you doing out there? You're mother called me. I know what you're trying to do. You can't, Chi! That place isn't real." Sachi spoke into the phone in that sweet and seducing voice that may have been the only reason she ever spoke to him at first. He was attractive, with dark, puppy brown eyes and unusual red hair. His appearance and voice alone caught her eye that day at the park, before she knew of his caring personality. She could almost remember it now.

_Birds twittered gently in the trees, engaged in deep conversation with other feathered friends as they flapped about in the rustling leaves. A scarce wind prickled at Chihiro's silken brown hair, sending satin strands by her chocolate eyes. She quickly brushed them away, bringing them back behind her ears to glance about with a dreamy smile, shifting her legs on the wooden bench she sat on._

"Yes, Yuki. Yes...Yes, I know. Yuki, please! Yuki! My god, if you're going to shout like that, please, wait till I get home before you bust this phone, or my ear drum!" A voice rang from a few feet away, shattering the teen from her thoughts, casting brown eyes towards a boy about her age. Young in a blue t-shirt and jeans. Youthful looking with wavy red hair and puppy dog brown eyes that shot to hers as he lowered his cellphone from his ear.

"Guh. Sorry about that." He apologized with a sexy half grin, tucking the phone into his jeans pocket. Chihiro nearly fell asleep to that deep, manly, voice of his. She hesitated for a moment, letting the dimensions of his sweet tone dwell in her ears.

"No problem...testy girlfriend?" She finally replied, returning his smile as she tugged down the edges of her plain orange tank top. Her lips parted in a sweet little laugh that barely made it an inch or two into the air before being swept away in the wind.

"How'd you know?" He said, his voice teasing with that same grin that nearly melted her before. She was tickled by his words but quickly pushed out a reply before he tottered off again.

"I've had 'em too...Uh...in boyfriends at least." She giggled softly, sweet laughter pulling a full smile to the male youth's lips.

"Heh. Yeah, I guess we all pick up at least one along the road." He replied, stepping an inch closer with a tiny, manly, laugh. It tickled Chihiro pink.

"You're telling me."

"Sachi." He stated his name, thrusting out a firm hand down to her.

"Oh. Chihiro." She replied, raising her hand to slide into his, breathing out slowly from the warmth.

Or had she said her name was Sen?

"Chi, huh? Mind if I call you that?" Sachi teased, shaking her hand warmly, friendly, that almost shot down the girl's last hope of ever seeing him again. She liked him, she really did. Her brown eyes sparkled through the trouble that was beginning to stir at home of the truth that no one would believe.

"Not at all! Feel free! I've never gotten that one before." She piped up, cursing inwardly as his hand slipped from hers. Was it even possible for them to have a life together. Marriage? Children? 'My god!' She stopped herself. 'Why am I thinking about something like that! I just met the kid!'

"Sweet. Chi it is, then." Sachi said, that same half grin holding her under his grasp.

'Why am I remembering all this stuff! There's no time for this!' Sen shook her head wildly, shaking away the thoughts to revert her eyes back to the road. Her mind back to the voice screaming into her ear.

"Chi! Listen to me! We can get you the help you need, if you just come home!"

"No, Sachi! I'm not going to get locked up again! Never again! I'm not insane, like everyone thinks I am! I have to do this!...I thought you of all people would understand...and who the blazes is 'Chi'? I'm Sen!" She screeched back, gripping the phone even more fiercely than she had gripped it under her mother's voice. Tears stung her eyes but she forced them back, blinked them away to save for later. Not when someone was on the line to hear the catch in her voice.

"This is insane." Her boyfriend muttered. She could tell his lips that she had kissed so many times before were on the receiver, letting out heavy breaths.

"But _I'm_ not." She added in, quickly clicking off the phone once more. No more calls. She couldn't take them, all the screaming voices saying she was crazy, insane, lost her marbles. She only told the truth and she was still as stubborn as ever. Still the same Sen or Chihiro from five years ago.

The 'crazy' teen cracked the battery from her phone, turning it completely off for good. Two calls from people she never wanted to see again was enough for one day. She slammed her hands back to the steering wheel, but her tears were flooding and blurring her vision. She had no choice but to finally let them drop down and gently caress against her cheeks.

"I'm coming, Haku." She whispered, the raven haired boy suddenly very much on her mind.

..:--.---.-..-.-.--.:..

How'm I doin' for my second fanfic? Good? Good. I hope you enjoyed it.

So...please review so I at least know someone read it. Tell me if you want more chapters, suggestions, corrections. Anything at all. I'm open.

Also, if you're a fan of Inuyasha, feel free to read my oh so popular Inu fanfic! Located on my page, duh.

So, tune in next time!


	3. The No Faced Creature

**Chapter 2**

Winds whipped furiously, sheets of rain crashing onto the windshield, blinding the driver's vision. She swerved madly, desperately searching the foggy air in front of her for a slip of clear vision. It never came. She pushed on, her mom's high tech little car bumping and sliding over the slick road she could no longer see more than a black blur against the hazy white around her.

The teen tried to focus, tried to single out the road ahead of her but her mind kept wandering. She could see him now, in her mind. His oval, olive colored eyes gleaming back at her. His raven, shoulder lengthed hair tosseling crazily from the wind that whipped around him as he tilted his head to the said, smiling at her with the pleasant expression she never got to see enough of.

She jerked furiously, pushing her attention back to the rain shadowed road. She couldn't think about him. Not now! 'Focus, Sen, Focus!' She scolded herself. It never was enough. Her mind always tuned her out and her thoughts drifted once more.

_"Chihiro, can you tell me about this 'Spirit World' you claim exists?"_

The man, suited in a stark white doctor's robe, watched her with deadly serious eyes. The girl simply glared back, eyes narrowed at his emotionless orbs. He tapped his pen against his clipboard, blank so far. She hated when he wrote in it. She knew exactly what that meant. She had said something he thought was off the wall, completely impossible, crazy, just not right.

She hated what he wrote. She hated him. How he just sat, day after day, pretending like he was actually helping rather than shooting every bit of truth she had in her down to Earth. He was too emotionless. Never smiled. Never laughed. Only stared, glared, and demanded more from her that he could rip apart and throw to the ground.

"I told you...my name is Sen, and I don't 'claim' it exists...I know it exists." She finally replied, arms wrapping around her, rubbing her skin beneath the long sleeved sweater she was required to wear. She never could figure out why. Maybe because it was stark white, just like everything else in the hauntingly sterile building.

He sighed, scratching the slight stubble on his chin to scribble something down on his clipboard.

'Dammit!' She cursed mentally, craning her neck to read the scribbled letters from an odd angle. She couldn't even make out a word or two before the doctor spun away to stand, striding over to the tall, white metal door. He cracked it open to whisper a few words to woman who stood outside the door.

She fiddled with her hair. It was long now, cascading all the way down to her lower back in gleaming brown locks. She pulled it to her face, covering her features with it as she dipped her head in, her shoulders heaving slowly. She hated it all. Everything. Everyone.

No! No more memories, no more thoughts. Not of Haku, not of that stupid doctor in that stupid mental hospital. She needed something to drown it out, something that could touch her unlike the rain that the exterior of the car shielded her with.

She reached out a trembling hand to fumble over the buttons on the dashboard, pressing madly until her fingers hit the radio dial. She cranked it up, eyes searching the misty windshield. How had it come to rain so hard in less than thirty minutes? Though, she remembered the clouds rolling overhead with threatening density before she had taken off in the little car.

No luck with seeing ahead of her, she focused on the song that played through the speakers for a moment.

_"With you these streets are heaven_

Now home feels so foreign

They told me I was mistaken, infatuated

And I was afraid to trust my hunches

Now I am ready"

She leaned back, letting her rigid form relax for a second under the calming tune. She let herself linger in it, listen carefully to words she had heard swim through her own mind for so long.

_

"Daddy don't be mad that I'm leaving

_

Please let me worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me

This is my story

Through mountains high and valleys low

The ocean, through the desert, snow

We'll say goodbye to the friends we know

This is our Exodus '04

Through traffic jams in Tokyo

New music on the radio

We'll say goodbye to the world we know

This is our Exodus '04

Landscapes keep changing

History teaches something

I know I could be mistaken, but my heart has spoken

I cannot redirect my feelings

The waves have parted

Daddy don't be mad that I'm leaving

Please let me worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me

This is my story

Through mountains high and valleys low

The ocean, through the desert, snow

We'll say goodbye to the friends we know

This is our Exodus '04

Through traffic jams in Tokyo

New music on the radio

We'll say goodbye to the world we know

This is our Exodus '04

I'm listening to a music never ending

My baby don't you know I'll never let you down

You've opened me to so many different endings

But baby I know that you'll always be around

Through mountains high and valleys low

The ocean, through the desert, snow

We'll say goodbye to the friends we know

This is our Exodus '04

Through traffic jams in Tokyo

New music on the radio

We'll say goodbye to the world we know

This is our Exodus '04

Through mountains high and valleys low

The ocean, through the desert, snow

We'll say goodbye to the friends we know

This is our Exodus '04

Through traffic jams in Tokyo

New music on the radio

We'll say goodbye to the world we know

This is our Exodus '04

Traffic jams in Tokyo

New music on the radio

Traffic jams in Tokyo

New music on the radio"

Brown, relaxed, eyes trailed from her calmed hands, the color finally filtering back into them as she let herself cool. Her body relaxed, falling back onto the seat, her eyes closing for a moment to let two new tears roll down her cheeks to add to the ocean she had created.

That was exactly what she was doing. Running away. She was shunned from her own world, so why not run for shelter in another? One who would believe her of the wonders she had been through, one that _was_ the wonders she had been through. They would all understand. Rin, Kamajii, and Zeniiba. But most of all, Haku.

"Ah...ah..." Gentle sounds made in an eerily calm and echoing voice drifted to Sen's ears, ringing rapidly, snapping her out of her comforting daze. Her vision shot up to the pounding rain that was just beginning to soothe her ears, now, more than anything. It became grating in her ears, her eyes narrowing into the dark that had fallen upon them.

"Kaonashi!" She screamed, her voice vibrating through the cozy interior of the car as the no faced creature came into sight. She was speeding at him, his unblinking, beady, mask eyes staring holes into hers. Sen didn't have time to think or wonder how or why the black cloaked creature of a different world would ever be in front of her.

Her hands ripped at the wheel, steering the speeding car from the lane that led to the hazy black form before he became a puddle on the road. Speeding, speeding, until the shiny paint of the car was crushed against a dark, hovering tree. With a scream, the crash took its tole on the car, on the terrified girl inside.

..:--.-.-.-.-.-..-:..

How's the second chapter? As good as the first? I hope so.

I really have no idea where this is going...I really don't...but I'll think of something.

So, for now, I'll sit back, relax, and wait for some coolio reviews!


	4. Going Back

**

Chapter 3

**

_"Haku?"_

The cloud of misty white faded slowly, but the girl's vision was still hazed from shock. She could hardly recall anything anymore. Like, where she was, or why she was even there. Shouldn't she be at home by now? She couldn't remember anything at all, not even the sound of her own name as it was spoke sweetly out to her in a calm, sensitive voice that struck a few memories back to her.

"Sen."

"Y-Yes." She stammered in a voice so high and childish that she didn't recognize it as her own, shifting her hands through the thinning clouds. "You know my name."

"Of course I know your name. Why would I not?" Sen couldn't pin point where the boy stood, but she knew the voice. Haku. Every sense inside of her screamed out to her that it was the boy she had been searching for all along. But how had she and him gotten there in that stark white wasteland. Where were the people? Where were the noises and colors and smells she remembered so long ago?

"Nobody else can remember it. Chihiro. That's what they call me!" That high little voice again, piercing her own ears like the one of her little sister's her mom had given birth to not long ago. That little runt, always pleasing mama and taking her place.

"Why should they not?" He murmured back to her in a mysterious voice that set her teeth on edge. She really wished he would talk to her and not play these mind games.

"You're not making any sense!" She cried back, brows curling inward.

"Heh." She heard him chuckle softly in that low, boyish voice that she felt herself resisting all of a sudden. She felt the heat rise to her cheeks in a random blush, her hands flinging through the dusty air until they collided with soft flesh.

"Haku!" She shouted his name, blinking up at his bright emerald eyes. Since when did he get so tall? When did she get so short? When did she meet up with him? "I've been looking everywhere for you. You have to tell them you're real!"

"But I'm not." The boy replied, his shoulder lengthed raven colored hair bobbing as he shook his head slightly from side to side. His arms encircled her thin form, touching her bare skin, but she did not tremble with delight. She didn't feel the urge to wrap her arms around this boy, hold herself close, break down and cry from the pressure that seemed to be growing over her back.

"What are you talking about? You are real! I know you are!" She protested, thrusting her hands up to suddenly bang against his chest like a foolish child. She writhed in her mini fit, tears stinging at her eyes until his hand slipped across her cheek, settling her teary brown eyes to his.

"But I can help you find me." He offered, caressing his thumb over her skin with a mild smile to make her nod crazily.

"Yes, Yes! Anything! I'll do anything just to show them you're real! What do I have to do? Tell me! Anything!" She shouted enthusiastically, hopping frantically, hyper-like. It confused her, how she was starting to do things she would never do in public. Never, would she cling to such a handsome boy, hopping up and down and shouting at the top of her lungs. But he didn't seem to mind, simply leaned in closer.

"Wake up." He whispered, lips on her ear as clouds passed through her vision. Her brows curled inward once more, but she didn't question.

She peered down, eyes widening at the white and green, striped, short sleeved shirt and red shorts she wore. She gawked silently, thinking why she let herself be caught dead in such hideous clothing. It wasn't too long until she peered at her stubby child's hands and it all came rushing back. This was the 'her' of five years ago. This was a dream, and it was time to wake up.

Her whole body jerked violently, just a mere flinch before her clouded mind surfaced. Her trembling hands dropped from the wheel, falling into her lap. She raised her throbbing head from the horn, it's shrill shriek calling out into the night, distorted from the rain and going on for more than just a few minutes. The dark had already fallen. What could have possibly happened?

Her fingers lifted up to touch a patch of skin that felt raw on her forehead. She drew her hand back, sighing at the wisp of blood that had come along with it.

"Must've hit my head." She murmured to herself, pleased at the sound of her own, adult, voice. Much unlike the voice in her dream. She didn't bother wiping anymore of the warm liquid from her skin, merely letting it drip in a warm streak down the side of her face. She leaned back, groaning at the feel of something digging in between her shoulder blades.

She quickly reached back to toss the head of the seat that had broken off, away from her back. She worked her shoulders, getting used to the feeling of moving again as she shifted her legs beneath her, dreading the realization of what the damage on the car and herself could be.

She snatched up the two halves of her phone and slipped from the seat, easily tossing open the door to puddle out of the car on wobbling legs. She moaned loudly, already catching sight of shattered glass on the ground beneath her. Still, it was hard to see anything through the pounding rain. She soon decided she didn't want to know. Either way, she would be in neck deep trouble from her parents about taking their car in the first place. It didn't matter any way it turned on her.

Sen stumbled away from the crashed car, blinking away the rain drops that clung tightly to her long, thick lashes. She didn't know where to go. She had no lead on where Haku was and no heading on where she was now. How could she possibly wander her way back to him now? He would look different, be completely different in every way. How was she to be sure he even lived in that strange place anyway? The name escaped her. She figured it would just come limping back like the rest of her memories.

She carefully slid her phone battery back into place and tucked it into her jean pocket.

A crater of emptiness sent shrill waves of cold through her as she turned back to the horizon. It went on and on and on. So far from where she wanted to be. Where did she want to be? There. With him. With Haku. But where was she, where was he?

She backed into a tree, breathing slowly as she let her eyes slide closed. She had to think, concentrate on what she could remember of that place. She thought back to when she had mysteriously passed through the portal between the worlds. What had it been like, looked like, what direction had they been going in?

She couldn't remember. She had been but ten years old, no sense of direction or time. No way she was turning back to the black screen of the cell phone that rested in her pocket. They would try to help her in a way that only hurt her. They couldn't really help her. Not with what she really needed. She had to do this alone, without help, without them.

Her eyes shot daggers into the rain, trying to clear some space so she could actually see. When nothing came up, she just began to walk. Walk and walk and walk until she hit familiar land. Wherever the wind and rain took her, she would reside, whether her heart longed for it or not. Her journey for her freedom had gone on for too long. All five years had been torture. One year silent, four years regretting keeping back the wonders she knew of for a mere year.

---

Every inch of her body ached. Her light blue jeans were drenched to a dark blue. Hair was plastered to her cheeks and forehead, neck and shoulders, her green tank top nearly see through. Everything on her hurt, but she refused to let her legs stop moving forward. She refused to stop walking. She needed to find something, someone, anyone. The greatest thing that had passed was an empty, abandoned gas station.

Trees crept past, looming over the shivering teen. It was almost as if the things around her were moving, but not her. The trees moved, the road beneath her worn converses like a treadmill. Not even a car had passed by her, a driver to pity her and take her out from the miserable rain.

No. She had to find someone who didn't think she was insane. If she stayed a moment longer in the overprotective, paranoid world that had turned against her, she feared she might actually become insane from the pressure of it all.

"Ow- Hey!" Sen cried out as she knocked, harshly, into something tall and hard. A hand flew up to touch her throbbing nose. She held it tightly, a quiet moan of pain stretching from her lungs. She blinked up at her attacker, ready to shout a few furious words when she met an angry looking tree. It's gnarled roots stretched and curved around her feet. She had barely missed tripping over a large one right behind her foot. She sighed numbly.

"Stupid tree." She muttered, turning away from its rough bark. She ignored the pinkish tinge against her wet fingers as she drew them away from her aching nose. A few steps away, she felt something catch her shin, and topple her to the ground.

Another sharp cry of pain let out from her lips and she held to her aching leg for dear life. She could almost feel the bruise forming over her pale skin underneath her soaked jean pant leg. Her eyes, clamped shut on impact with the ground, shot up to peer over her curled up body. It was getting harder and harder to see through the heavy sheets of rain. She squinted her eyes, struggled to see what she had tripped over.

"I'm just not having any luck." Sen whispered. She slowly sat up, a hand over her shin, to squint at the foot and a half tall stone, the color of bone and moss. A small gasp tore from her lips at the familiar piece of work.

An egg shaped outline of its face shot out at her, it's bulging and blank eyes staring into hers. That round dog-looking nose and smooth pointed head. Hands were molded to clasp together in the front. And that wide, curving smile carved out so perfectly that it mocked her as she glance upon it.

How familiar...

Her head whipped around to the structure that towered over her. An excited gasp lifted through the rain as the girl's teary eyes danced along every familiar moss patch and chip in the dark tunnel she rested at the foot at. Puddles had formed inside it, filling in each crack, running like mini rivers between the cobblestones.

Sen almost screeched with joy as she flung herself into the safety of the moist walled cavern. Somehow, it seemed familiar, though she was sure she had never seen it before. She scrambled to her feet, quickly tossing herself through the freezing closed in space. She flung her arms out to toss aside the foliage that blocked her way out. She tore at the thick rubble. Branches twined with each other, and Sen played the game of red rover.

She drove her shoulder through the brush, leaves shooting from assaulted bushes as she collapsed onto the other side.

..:--..---..--.-.-.-..--..-:..

Ah! Finally! Sorry to keep my total of about...5 or so readers waiting! Sheesh. And I have about 50 on my other. But I love you guys! Thanks for sticking with me! And enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!


	5. PUTTING IT ON HOLD

**I'M PUTTING THIS FANFICTION ON HOLD**

I'm so sorry! I have to put this fanfiction on hold until I can watch the movie a few more times. I don't want to draw you guys in and then give you complete crap! Awww, sowwy. I promise I'll start up on it again after another story of mine or after I've studied the movie a little. Trust me, I think this is for the best. I wonder if any of you are still out there and waiting on this poor inactive fic. Well, I wanted to say thank you so much for the wonderful fics and for reading my story! I won't delete this fic so you can keep it in your alerts or favorites for when I begin to write on it again, if you'd like.

I luff you all, and good-ay!

**GOMENASAI!**


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